2022 Reflections

 

What I continually thought about:

Boundaries- I feel like this is a popular topic. The reason being is that people are feeling over exposed and overreached by modern technology. In other instances there are actual cases of people being taken advantage of. I think there can be healthy boundaries. I think there are difficult boundaries but that doesn’t mean they are bad or unnecessary. 

There are two boundaries I drew this year. One was due to family strife. I didn’t communicate the boundary verbally, but it was understood. I did not want to be hurt by what was going on and decided to remove myself from a situation. I stopped all contact. One of the people I removed contact with was my Aunt. Unfortunately, she passed away very recently and I missed out on her last year. I never got to tell her how much I appreciated our relationship before the boundary was drawn. I wish I had toughed this out- accepted that relationships can be messy and made more room for forgiveness and grace. 

The other has a backstory. When I was 11 or 12 I had a conversation with my Dad. In it he told me about how a friend of mine was now facing a teen pregnancy. I was shocked. In my youth I exclaimed how I would NEVER do something like that. My dad stopped me and explained that as soon as we think we are above a behavior is when we are most vulnerable to it. I was and am very capable of sin. This lesson has stayed with me my whole life- and sometimes I successfully drew boundaries to prevent sin and other times I was unsuccessful. All of that to say, I drew a boundary with an old friend that I care deeply for. It sucked, I wish it wasn’t the way it was. I have to be okay with whatever this person might think of me now and continue protecting myself (and family) that I am capable of.

So now I have been evaluating what are healthy boundaries? What are selfish boundaries? When are boundaries necessary and when should we work hard for the relationship? 

Mortality- Having lost my two babies before and being in the situation we were in with Naomi, I have had to face the fear of losing those I love. When we were driving back and forth from Nashville on I24 I worried that I would lose Enrique. I would come home and it felt like my kids were hellbent on harming themselves. Gracie was “cave jumping” with the blind cord. (Promptly thrown in the trash.) Lucas tried to shut himself in the refrigerator. I consistently pray for their safety and that the Lord will not take them from me. I have not worked through this fear- I’m not sure how I would continue life if something happened to one or all of them.

On the flip side, I have worried about how my family will react if I leave them behind. I have told Enrique that if I die to choose a super awesome and godly replacement wife and I am praying that she would love my kids like they were her own. (I will be up in Heaven in the Lord’s EAR.) A new year’s resolution of mine is to get a term life insurance policy so that they wouldn’t be subject to any surprise cost due to my untimely demise. I’ve also thought about how I am treating people, relationships to mend or develop. Is my integrity intact? Will I be remembered as someone who loved her family and worked hard? 

Intentionality- I am a very impulsive person. How this came about is through finances. I found myself frustrated that I wasn’t able to spend whatever money I wanted when I wanted. I knew that Enrique and I made good money- so where was it all going? I spent a few months combing through our bank statements to determine what our money was being spent on and also taking a hard look at what debt we had. Before this year, I would have told you, “I’m not good with money, Enrique does the budget.” I have even heard this heralded as marriage advice. Let the person who is better with money do the budget. (I can agree to an extent). BUT MY FRIENDS- if you are not an active participant in your family’s budget, I implore you to give it a try. Since I became involved we have made serious headway. Going back to the mortality section- I am not as fearful that I could not handle the finances if something happened to Enrique. I am aware of what is going on. We now have financial goals we are working on together, and it has empowered us as a couple.

This impulsiveness has bled into a lot of things- I feel therefore I do. My habits reflect this in my spending, my diet, my coffee drinking, the shows and music I listen to and my reactions to those around me. I feel that there are certain habits- things I do over and over- continue to justify- that do not line up with my Christian values. The shows I watch, the podcasts I listen to, and some of my music would make a nun’s ears bleed. Instead of spending time with my children, I mindlessly scroll through internet waste on my phone to try and escape from what I deem hardship. I want to take a hard look to determine whether these are things that are bringing me closer to Christ or ostracizing me from Him. I want to spend more time making decisions and allowing passion and heat of the moment to pass by- to be a tad more analytical in the way I live my life. 

I am desiring to be more intentional in my relationships because this year has shown me that I am not as kind and caring as I thought I was. Enrique and I were discussing that we don’t think we are very good friends. We aren’t thinking of others after our conversation with them ends. We want to be able to practically love people more- to think of others more in our daily life. I have a few projects that I am hoping will help with this, but I am also just trying to be better at texting back or responding on facebook. Meeting in real life will come later in the year as Naomi grows stronger.

Books I read: 

Lovely War by Julie Berry 

This book was given to me by a friend and I finished it last night. It is a historical fiction which I don’t typically read but this book was sweet. She also writes about real places that are fun to google, Dinant, Belgium looks glorious. A far cry from my normal thriller/true crime/ murder stories.

M is for Mama by Abbie Halberstadt 

Okay, okay, I have two chapters left. This is a light read. She has some very good points, but for some reason I can’t fall in love with it. After discussing it with Mandi today, I think it is because she writes from a very idealistic perspective- a crisp and clean Christian life that is devoid of sin and suffering. Sadly, this is not the reality for most of us, and I think when we preach the gospel this way it can seem “unrealistic” or “non inclusive”.

The Ink Black Heart by Robert Galbraith 

This is the latest installment in the Cormoran Strike series that is written by JK Rowling under a pen name. I LOVE this series. It is not for the faint of heart. I love the way she develops characters and captures humanity so well. My second favorite thing is if you look up ANY place or ANY event written in this book, it is real. I traveled around London and the UK without ever leaving Vanderbilt.

The Butcher and the Wren by Alaina Urqhart 

She hosts a podcast I enjoy, I’m proud of her for writing this book! While I don’t think we would get along in real life and her values are very different from mine, I enjoy her.

 A Look at the Logos by Michael Wood 

Written by my Dad, I read this next to Naomi’s incubator. My main take away was when Jesus was celebrating the Feast of the Tabernacles which is a feast to celebrate how the Lord provided for the people. It is a time of reconciliation with God- Jesus was imploring those around Him to come and drink, to be provided for like the Israelites were in the wilderness. This really struck a chord with me, because we relied so much on God’s “rain” or provision this past year- and He really showed off.

The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis (AUDIBLE)

 With kids, we would listen to this in the car then watch the 1980’s BBC version, then we watched the newer movie as a family. Lucas loved, Gracie was indifferent.

The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey (AUDIBLE) 

He is a motivating speaker but I think I prefer his YouTube channel. Still the concepts are great and the debt snowball works!

The Guest List by Lucy Foley (AUDIBLE)

 I loved the spooky setting of this book, it was very reminiscent of Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty

The Golden Couple by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen (AUDIBLE)

It was alright.

Apples Never Fall by Liane Moriarty (AUDIBLE)

Great characters, disappointing story.

Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson(AUDIBLE)

Started with Kids on the way home from Miami, finished myself.

The Adventures of Alfie  Onion by Vivian French

(With Kids, my 5 and 6 year old loved it. Lucas was legitimately sad when we finished a few nights ago. He keeps asking me to re-read it.

Homeschooling Bravely by Jamie Erickson 

A nice motivator when homeschool feels overwhelming.

Modern Etiquette Made Easy by Myka Meier 

I will never be fancy enough to need any of these tips but I stumbled upon her YouTube channel and it was fun, and so was this book. Read it if you feel like you need some refinement.

TV Shows I Watched: The House of the Dragon and The White Lotus, both were excellent, both made me think I need to reel in what I watch on TV.

The Alpinist- hands down favorite thing I watched this year.

Music I loved: 

Irresponsible by JUDAH & J. Monty (Probably my personal song of the year.)

Creepin’ up the Backstairs by The Fratellis (Almost all of their album, Costello Music)

Midnight Rain by Taylor Swift

Maroon by Taylor Swift

Bejeweled by Taylor Swift

Levitating by Dua Lipa ft. Da Baby

Getty Kids Hymnal, Hymns from Home

Homeward by Celtic Worship

Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes

The Offspring Greatest Hits

Favorite things:

Tozo Bluetooth Headphones

Magnetic Book Marks

The Peaceful Press Homeschool Planner

SunBeam Heating Pad 

BeautyCounter Mascara

Naomi’s Birth Story

Naomi’s Birth Story

2022 started with two positive tests. One for Covid, the other for pregnancy. We had just arrived back from a Christmas trip to Miami, my health had deteriorated pretty rapidly on the drive home and so did the weather. Tornados and storms were rolling through Middle Tennessee before a large cold front moved in. So, we spent New Year’s Eve at a hotel in Valdosta, GA. I laid in bed with a fever, chills and body ache. I didn’t have any clue that I was newly pregnant until that night in Valdosta. I had been planning on receiving an abdominal cerclage before we began trying. Something happened in that hotel room that made me send Enrique out into the bitter cold for a pregnancy test as soon as we made it home.

The pink lines popped up immediately and Enrique shouted excitedly, “The Lord provides!” I remember thinking, “You don’t know that. He also takes away.” I wanted to be joyful over the new life but I was in agony over my anxiety for the baby. Positive pregnancy tests are death sentences for my sweet babies. 

My doctor was optimistic, she said this was good news. I was scheduled for a McDonald Cerclage at 12 weeks. Our kind friend Amy woke up extra early to watch my big kids while I had the procedure done. The procedure itself was uneventful but I struggled with a spinal headache that kept me in bed for 3 days after. Even with “the stitch”, as they are known to those who are familiar to them, I was anxious. I worked nights and sometimes it was busy. I would be on my feet for the entire shift. More than once I walked over to L&D to have them test for infection/ amniotic fluid. I also went to the ER to have things checked out at least twice. I was a wreck- I prayed over the baby, I willed my body to hold the baby. I recited the statistics of the success rate for the cerclage over and over to myself. 

At 18 weeks pregnant, right around Easter, I started think that we might actually make it. I had lost Titus at 18 weeks and so far I had no ill signs. I took my first baby bump picture. I continued working with no events. At 20 weeks we were scheduled for the anatomy scan. It confirmed what I already knew, the baby was a girl. It also showed that I had no internal cervix left. My anxiety seated deeper into my stomach. My doctor said not to worry, sometimes you funnel down to the stitch. Enrique was a little frustrated with my anxiety. He didn’t like how much I was laying down, he thought I was overdoing it. We were supposed to take a trip to Cincinatti, something he was really looking forward to and I was having a hard time getting on board. Here is where I can begin to see the Lord’s hand directly. Another doctor, the head doctor of the clinic I went to, had noticed my ultrasound results. He ordered more imaging 2 days later. By this time I was 21 weeks pregnant and we announced the pregnancy. Things were going fast and I wanted to announce before we had her. After the next appointment we discovered that not only was my internal cervix gone, but I had dilated 1 cm. It was Lucas’s 6th birthday and I missed his party because I spent the night in the hospital. The doctor’s determined that I was not going to go into labor that night. I spoke with a Neonatologist during that hospital stay and she gave me all the statistics for a 22 weeker. She said they only began intervening about 5 years ago and they might save 1 out of 5 babies. Today they might save 2-3 out of 5 babies. That the babies would have severe handicaps. Then she said something that stuck onto my soul. She shrugged and said, “but we sent one home on oxygen yesterday.” 

Needless to say, Cincinnati was canceled. My mother in law was asked to come help. I placed myself on bed rest, with the exception of sitting out in the sun for 30 minutes to an hour a day. I would sit with my feet up and watch my kids play. I also asked to receive steroids to help develop the baby’s lungs this week. I was grateful that my OB gave me no pushback and they gave me the shots willingly.

A week after my last hospital stay, I was trying to get comfortable and go to sleep. The kids were in their beds, Abuelita had layed down, and Enrique was getting settled. I kept getting up and going to the bathroom. I felt like I was having more discharge than usual and felt a slight burning. Enrique asked me what was up. I didn’t want to alarm him so, I said I was fine. About an hour later, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that something was up. I had a set of PH strips and decided to use them. They read very alkaline and I was afraid my water had broken. 

So we were off. We debated whether to go to our local hospital which is 5 minutes away or make the hour long drive to Nashville. I felt like we needed to head to Vanderbilt just in case, because they have a level 4 NICU. If I had delivered at Tennova, our local hospital, I’m not sure any effort would have been made to save the baby. 

We arrived at Vanderbilt and our visit began with another ultrasound to see which way the baby was facing. She was breech, which means butt down. The doctor then asked to examine me. This is always terrifying with my condition, but I said, “Something is up, it’s why we are here.” He began to examine me and collect some swabs. I asked, “How is it looking down there?” He said, “We’ll talk about that in a minute.” So, I knew it wasn’t looking good. After he had finished, he said, “I’m really sorry, but you are dilated 4cm.” And I just started crying. My water had not broken and he was suggesting a c-section. Enrique and I were so shocked. You mean right now? We talked to so many doctors who patiently answered a lot of questions. 

The NICU said they didn’t think that a week would make all that much difference and the L&D doctor said, “It sounds like you want your baby to be born alive, with a scheduled c-section we would be prepared. We wouldn’t be scrambling around, and it is the best chance for your baby to be born alive.” We still needed time to think. 22 weeks was so early. There was a possibility that my water would break and she would make the decision for us. I could be put to sleep and a c-section would be performed with me unaware. I told Enrique if this happened that somebody needed to hold her, to not let her die alone. A magnesium drip was started and we tried to rest and think. Enrique and I decided to try and wait for a while. He asked me, “Do you feel sure about it?” And I said, “No.” He didn’t either. We were not at peace. If you have ever had a magnesium drip you will understand that it isn’t comfortable. I think I attribute my next actions to this drip, and also maybe the the Holy Spirit. A few hours into the Mag drip I started feeling panicky, I couldn’t rest. I asked to be checked again, no more dilation, still a solid 4cm. However, after I questioned the doctor for another round, I agreed to head to the OR. 

We were swarmed with doctors at this point. Two neonatologists spoke with us and asked what we would like to be done for the baby. They were not optimistic. They said that she would probably not survive delivery and if she did she would have hefty medical needs. I responded that, “I want her to have a shot.” I asked them to try and get an airway but if she did not respond that no CPR would be performed and to put her on my chest to die in my arms. 

The labor and delivery doctors also did not encourage me to try and save her. A kind doctor sat next to me and said, “If you wanted to have a vaginal delivery it would not be a selfish decision. You don’t have to go through with the surgery.” I said no. She told me it was my last selfless act for the baby. I also repeatedly confirmed that I wanted my tubes tied during the surgery. We were sure, no matter the outcome, that we were done having babies.

They wheeled me to the OR where they began to prep me for surgery. I was sitting up at the edge of the table waiting for the epidural to be placed. Everyone was very kind to me. The nurse asked me, “Does baby have a name?” And I told her “Naomi.” That is when the tears started and did not stop after that. The anesthesiologist wiped my tears with gauze for the entirety of the surgery.

The actual surgery took some time. They performed a low transverse incision on my abdomen but a classical incision on my uterus. They told me I had a lot of scar tissue. The OR was very quiet. Then they said, “She’s out.” We heard the tiniest cry. Enrique kept standing up to see them working on her and they repeatedly asked him to sit down. I could hear the monitor she was attached to. It beeps for every heartbeat and I could hear it slowing down. Painfully slow. I just held Enrique’s hand and I was praying, “Please, Jesus.” Quietly, but out loud. Then, it revved up. I don’t remember how I was told they got an airway and that she responded, but I know that after they told us Enrique broke down. He cried into my shoulder. After sometime they wheeled her out in an incubator next to me. The neonatologist stopped to tell me that her numbers looked great, better than expected. I was moved to recovery.

The 3 or 4 days I stayed at the hospital I would walk down to the NICU to see her. I always forgot how far it was until I was walking it. I was still in a bit of pain. I couldn’t bear to be next to her long. She was so tiny and fragile and we were far from out of the woods. But I would go in, every few hours, to take a peek at her. To make sure she was okay. I prayed Isaiah 40:29 over her, over and over. “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.” I had never seen anything so weak and powerless in my life.

That was the beginning of our 202 day long NICU journey…until we were sent home on oxygen. I can say with confidence that the Lord DID provide through-out. We were given so much grace and service through meals and gifts and prayer and time and even monetary gifts. I appreciate our family, both physical and spiritual who dug in deep with us.

I don’t know why Naomi was spared and made into a miracle while my other two babies died. I know that my faith was deeply shaken by the whole experience, but that this past year, staying by my sick baby’s side has brought a lot of reconciliation between the Lord and I. I felt seen by Him for the first time in a long time. I was the one he left the 99 for- the same way I left my two healthy kids at home to be near the one who needed me most.